Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
