1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
