Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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