it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
