it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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