I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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