did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
