Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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