I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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