The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
where are my eyebrows?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
