I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
