He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
