remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
