My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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