Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Text me some of your sweat
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
