I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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