she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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