i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
