if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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