I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
