theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
