Soap is not a condiment
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
