sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
3 2 1 whiskey
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
