I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
