Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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