thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
