life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
