She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Green mimosas i think yes
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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