You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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