Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
