dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
