we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just gift wrapped bread.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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