i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
