the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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