You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
