I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
