if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
