can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
