I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
