He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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