Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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