Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
