i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
