I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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