what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
