my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
