he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
