Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
