Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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