There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
