from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
