I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
