Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
