Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
