im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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