Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
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