Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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