even my farts smell like vagina
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
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