tonight lets celebrate not being married
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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