My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
they're like a gay fantastic four
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
