Sorry, I don't speak sober.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
