I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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