Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
