If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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