Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
