just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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